“I Can’t Help Feeling Like I’m Failing As A Father” – Let’s Talk About Dad Guilt

Do dads experience parenting guilt? Bricks and Blocks Coaching founder and parenting coach Swetha Vigraham breaks down the struggles of modern fathers and how they can overcome them.

Mum guilt is a well-documented and widely discussed topic. Mothers often share their struggles with friends, family, and even strangers online. There are mom support groups, Facebook communities, and WhatsApp chats where mothers can raise their hands and find help. Popular sitcoms and social media platforms further highlight the challenges mums face, fostering awareness of the support required for parenting.
But what about fathers? Do dads feel guilt too? Who do they turn to when they feel overwhelmed by parenting?

Read more: All About Parenting Pressure, Competitive Parenting & Mum Guilt

Yes! Fathers do experience guilt!

While fathers may not always voice their struggles as openly as mothers, their guilt is just as real. The journey of parenting for dads often comes with questions about their role, their contributions, and their impact. Many fathers wrestle with feelings of inadequacy, wondering if they’re doing enough—or if they’re doing it right at all.

One father recalled the helplessness he felt during the first few months of his baby’s life. His wife handled feeding, their house help managed the daily chores, and he was left wondering where he fit in. “All I could do was stay awake at night, hand the baby to my wife for feeding, and change diapers,” he shared. “Even during paternity leave, I felt like I wasn’t contributing enough. I wanted to help, but there wasn’t much for me to do.”

Another dad, whose toddler daughter pushes him away whenever he tries to approach her, described his frustration:
“Her mother and our helper meet all her needs. I try to engage her, take her for walks, and be present, but I can’t help feeling like I’m failing as a father. What more can I do?”

The guilt doesn’t stop with younger children. One father of two teenagers shared a regretful reflection:
“When my kids were little, I prioritized my career, thinking that providing for them financially was enough. I missed so many of their milestones. Now, as teens, they barely talk to me, and I feel like I’ve lost my chance to build a meaningful relationship with them. I keep asking myself—did I fail them as a dad?”

Even grandfathers aren’t immune to guilt. Many admit they were absent during their children’s formative years and now try to make up for it by being more actively involved with their grandchildren:
“I look back and realize how much I missed,” one grandfather admitted. “I’m determined to do it differently with my grandkids.”

These real-life stories remind us that guilt doesn’t discriminate by age or stage of parenting. Fathers experience it in different ways, but the underlying emotions of self-doubt and worry are universal.

Read more: ‘I Want Daddy!’ Mums Share How They Cope When Their Child Starts Only Wanting Daddy

How dad guilt differs from mum guilt

While guilt is a universal emotion among parents, the way it manifests for fathers and mothers often differs due to societal expectations and traditional gender roles.

1. Questioning Role vs. Questioning Effort

Mother’s guilt often stems from questioning whether they’re doing enough for their children. Fathers, however, frequently ask a more existential question: “What am I doing?” This is particularly true in the early years when caregiving roles tend to favour the mother, leaving fathers unsure of how to contribute meaningfully.

2. Balancing Work vs. Making Time

Mothers often feel pressure to achieve work-life balance, juggling career ambitions with family responsibilities. Fathers, on the other hand, typically feel guilt for not spending enough time on parenting. Society tends to place less emphasis on fathers achieving work-life balance, framing their parenting involvement as optional rather than essential.

3. Career Choices vs. Career Stigma

When mothers take a career break for caregiving, it’s normalised but often scrutinised. Fathers who choose to step away from their careers face an additional layer of stigma and judgment, with their decision questioned or even criticised. Unlike mothers, they rarely have access to programs like returning-to-work initiatives tailored for mothers.

4. Assumed Capability vs. Self-Doubt

Mothers are often assumed to have a natural aptitude for parenting, which creates pressure to meet expectations. Fathers, meanwhile, may feel inadequate or question their capabilities. This can lead to guilt over perceived shortcomings or avoidance of caregiving roles entirely.

As society evolves, fathers are stepping up in new ways, but the weight of traditional roles still lingers. This makes managing guilt an essential part of their journey as parents.

Read more: An Open Letter To Parents Who Send Their Kids To Childcare For Over 40 Hours A Week

How can fathers manage their guilt?

Addressing dad guilt isn’t just about overcoming self-doubt; it’s about stepping into a more active and equal parenting role. Here’s how fathers can take control of their feelings:

1. Acknowledge your guilt

Identify what’s causing your guilt and name it. For example:
“I feel guilty because I think I’m not spending enough time with my child.”
Acknowledging the feeling is the first step toward understanding and addressing it.

2. Assert your choices

Decide what’s most important to you—whether it’s being home for bedtime, taking charge of school drop-offs, or planning weekend activities—and set boundaries to support those priorities. Communicate your decisions clearly with your partner, workplace, or support network.

3. Accept biases and practice compassion

Understand the societal biases that shape your guilt and approach them with empathy. Recognise that you’re forging a new path, challenging outdated norms, and setting an example for the next generation. Practice self-compassion—it’s okay to stumble as you learn and grow in your role.
As fathers take on more active roles in parenting, feelings of guilt are bound to surface. But this isn’t a setback—it’s a step forward. Guilt shows that you care and are invested in your child’s well-being. The next step is to let go of that guilt by taking actionable steps toward balance and connection. Parenting isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being present.

Read more: “My Husband Took Over Parenting Duties While I Went Back To Work”

Swetha helps parents embrace unguilty parenting and rediscover the joy in raising their kids. You can find more of her parenting resources at Bricks & Blocks.