My Child ‘Hates’ My WFH Job: “You’re Always Ignoring Me, Mummy”

I’m physically here, but I’m not present–not to my child. She sees Mummy on the laptop or on the phone when she happens to be home on a weekday. To me, I feel so lucky to be able to be within arm’s reach of my child. To her, Mummy is always ignoring her.

“Wow, you work from home? You’re living the dream!” people always tell me, a work-from-home (WFH) mum.

It’s hard to believe that, not long ago, working five days a week in the office was the norm. Granted, it still is for many parents in Singapore. I became a mum during the pandemic that shifted many Singapore companies to adopt work-from-home policies. And while many also started returning to the office, whether full-time or for several days a week, I happened to be one of the lucky ones who managed to land a job where I could WFH pretty much 90% of the time, save for some in-person meetings.

Then came the blow from my 4-year-old: “Mummy, you’re always ignoring me. Always working.”

I grew up barely seeing my parents on weekdays

When I was growing up, both of my parents worked full-time. In my early years, my grandparents looked after us while my parents were at the office the whole day. After my grandparents passed, we had a helper who would cook our meals and make sure we bathed. It was the 90s and 00s, so admittedly, my siblings and I were pretty self-sufficient and had free rein of the house.

That said, we only saw our parents early in the morning while we were rushing to get to school by 7.15am, and then at about 6pm/7pm when they returned home from work. We would sit down for dinner as a family, then head to bed. My parents would spend as much time as they could with us over the weekends: visits to parks, going on foodie crawls around town, church, visiting family, and the odd day trip out of town or to the zoo for a treat.

We didn’t ever think much of it because it was so normal. But I hated the fact that my mum had to work. I–the clingiest child (read: youngest child)–absolutely missed my mum during the day. I would be absolutely shattered if she had to stay late at work or if she had the occasional dinner plan after work. If it was a school holiday, I would cry when she went to work while I stayed at home.

Whenever I came home from school, I would call her at work during the day just to tell her I missed her. Whenever she happened to have a half-day workday, I would be so incredibly happy that my mum was home! Once in a blue moon, she would work from home, too, and those were the most wonderful days ever. I remember wishing for a world where my mum could work from home all the time (or that she didn’t have to work at all).

Now, I am living out the wishes I had for my mum.

Except that my own daughter kind of hates it.

“Mummy, you’re always ignoring me”

“Mummy, you’re always ignoring me,” my 4-year-old said. “You’re always working”.

These words cut deep. I’d think to myself: But I’m at home! I’m here! Do you know how much I wished my own mother could have worked from home? Do you know how lucky you are?

Then I took a moment to see things from her perspective. She’s not wrong. Being a WFH mum with a spouse who is often overseas for work, I ended up falling into a routine where I try to live the best of both worlds.

Oftentimes, I squeeze little parenting duties in between my workday: preparing her meals, taking her for her weekly enrichment class and ensuring she gets outdoor time. Then I compensate for any time I was away from my computer, by continuing to work once we’re home. Having my work right within arm’s reach (on my phone and laptop) also makes it tempting to continue to clear tasks throughout the evening. And since my home is my “office”, my daughter sees me working more than I’d like her to.

So, I sat my daughter down. “Mummy has to work so that our family can have a secure future. I wish I didn’t have to, and that I could spend all my time with you. Mummy doesn’t have an office. That’s why you see me working when I’m at home with you. Mummy will be able to bring you out and spend time with you after I finish my work, and over the weekend, okay?”

Some days, she gets it. I bring her on so many mother-daughter date nights, I read stories to her each night, and we always talk about our day, what we are happy about and challenges that we can overcome. Our weekends are filled with outings to outdoor playgrounds and parks, libraries, malls, the zoo and the like. Our family holidays always revolve around experiences she will enjoy.

On other days–especially when she’s unwell, tired or has experienced something particularly challenging, or I myself have had a challenging day–she lashes out. And I get it. I can definitely be more present and adopt better work-life self-discipline. Or maybe the problem isn’t that I work from home, but that I need to reassess how big a priority work is when it comes to balancing it with caretaking. But also, I’m guilty of projecting my childhood wants onto her: Shouldn’t she feel lucky to have a mum who can work from home?

Read more: Tips For Working From Home

We will always feel guilty

During difficult periods, I always think to myself: Maybe I should just become a stay-home-mum. Or maybe I should remove myself from my home whenever I have to work, so that she doesn’t feel like I’m ignoring her, and repeat the cycle I experienced with my parents.

The thing is, at the end of the day, mothers are always going to feel guilty about their situation (even stay-home mums!). We can be in the best situation for ourselves, and we’ll always think about the million ways we “should be doing it better.”

But maybe, this isn’t such a bad thing.

We just want the best for our kids. We want our kids to never experience any grievances we went through as kids ourselves. And all this guilt comes from a place of love. I think back to how much I hated that my mother had to work all day long, but it didn’t stop us from being close, and I grew to appreciate how much she had sacrificed to support us. And despite feeling guilty all the time, I am still so grateful for the time I get to spend with my daughter, and the sheer convenience and perks of working from home.

That said, I’m still working on being more present for my daughter and finding workarounds so that I am more mindful about shutting off from work. I can only hope that my daughter will grow up feeling the same way about me, as I teach her the same values my own mother taught me.

Read more: How Parents Overcompensate For Guilt & What To Do Instead

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