‘I’m not ready to stop being her #1 favourite person in the world. I’m not ready for her to see my humanity and flaws as a parent.’
Our littlest baby is not a baby any more. Today she’s three years old. This milestone was a long time coming. I was pining for her long before she had life.
From the many rounds of IVF and a few losses along the way, to doing the research and working up the courage to try transferring a “mosaic embryo” that was deemed “incompatible with life,” to holding my breath for the first twelve weeks while getting daily injections of progesterone to help “keep this baby in”.
From being on bedrest and finally hospitalized for months before my due date because of frequent heavy bleeding, to having an emergency C-section and losing nearly two litres of blood in the delivery room, to being separated from my worried husband and newborn baby for six hours as I recovered alone, to finally holding her tiny, borderline premature body in my arms.
I still get teary just thinking about it.
This milestone was a long time coming, and now that it’s here, I’m not ready. I can see her growing independence. I can feel my childcare responsibilities easing up. I can rest better, think more clearly, and look forward to having more of my life, my career back. But I’m not ready.
I’m not ready to close this chapter of my life as a woman, the ‘life creating’ chapter. I’m not ready to stop being her #1 favourite person in the world. I’m not ready to stop feeling her soft skin and the weight of her chubby body on me as I carry her in my arms.
I’m not ready for her to see my humanity and flaws as a parent. I’m not ready for the potential conflicts and disagreements between us. I’m not ready for her to go into the world and get hurt, fall down, get back up, and learn the full range of human experiences.
I’m not ready, but I’m doing my best to start letting her go, letting her be. She’s pretty amazing. Sometimes I think, “When I grow up, I want to be her.” On your birthday, my sweet littlest baby, mummy’s birthday wishes for you are:
- May you stay confident and keep your “devil may care” attitude
- May you always dance and laugh and have a ball of a time like everyone should be watching (for inspiration)
- May you grow into your talents and find more ways to express them
- May you stay warm, loving, and generous with your siblings and the people who will come into your life in the future
- May you know with unwavering conviction that no matter where we are, no matter how we are, Mummy is always here for you
I love you. So much. And may you one day experience a love like the love that you have brought into my life.