“Despite my attempts to push him away, I knew I was in a losing battle.”

I have never felt more alone than the night that my voice was taken from me. I gave up fighting because I knew he was stronger than me. 

It has been more than ten years since my voice was silenced, but I still remember the night as clear as day. We had been dating for a few months now, and every time we were alone, he tried to be more physical despite my reluctance. He lived with one of my friends who would thankfully often interrupt his attempts. But that night, we were alone.

He closed the blinds in his apartment, as he often does. He shied away from the light and often stayed at home gaming and watching movies when he didn’t have to be in class. In hindsight, I wish I recognised this as a red flag because he was going through a dark season, one that was beyond my ability to redeem at the time.

We were sitting on the couch watching a movie when his hands started wandering around my body. I froze and tried to ignore it at first until it quickly became clear that he wanted to take it one step further. Despite my attempts to push him away, I knew I was in a losing battle. He eventually pinned me to the ground and removed my beige corduroy skirt, while he repeatedly said, “Come on, I know you want it.”

But no, I didn’t. I felt my stomach in my throat as he pursued his selfish agenda and stripped me of my voice and dignity. I gave up fighting because I knew he was stronger than me. I was worried he would hurt me if I didn’t comply. Ultimately, I gave up because I didn’t even know how to fight back.

I will never forget how I felt when I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror that night. Tears streamed down my face as my inner voice began to tell me that I was broken, used and dirty. This is a feeling that I never want my daughter to experience because it devalued my identity, crushed my self-esteem and diminished my self-worth.

Despite this horrific experience, it has pushed me to teach my children that their voices matter. While there is a fine line between letting little ones have a say and becoming a passive pushover parent, I strive to create a safe space where they feel comfortable sharing their ideas, thoughts, and feelings, especially if they are not positive. Though it may seem trivial, I believe that teaching them the value of their voices begins when they are young.

One of our greatest responsibilities as parents is to teach our children how to stand up for themselves and find their place in this world. Sure, scoring well on their PSLE can possibly lead them to a cookie-cutter path for success. But what good is it if they conform to the patterns of this world, suppress their feelings and lose their identity in the process?

There’s no doubt that I will encourage my children to strive to do their best in school, but I also want them to know that life is so much more than that. Their academic results do not define them, and I hope that they will be brave enough to speak up and share their ideas no matter how incredulous they may be, stand up against bullies, ask for help when they are struggling (or worse if someone is hurting them), and be confident in their own skin.

And God forbid, if they ever find themselves in a dangerous situation, I want them to be equipped mentally–to stand by their ‘No’, expect respect from others and push back with everything they have when it truly matters. Beyond that, I want to equip them with self-defence skills and tactics that they can fall back on in a time of trouble. I won’t always be there to protect them, but I can rest assured if I know I have prepared them well.

As for me, my traumatic experience is one I will carry with me for the rest of my life, but it doesn’t define me. Through writing and sharing my story, I have found my voice again. I know that I deserve to be loved and treated with respect, and I pray that my children will grow up knowing that they deserve just the same.

To the reader who is a victim of sexual assault, seek help by contacting the National Anti-Violence & Sexual Harassment Helpline at 1800-777-0000. You do not deserve this, and you have the right to feel safe. Stand up for yourself before it is too late.

If sexual assault is part of your distant history, remember this. Your traumatic experience does not define you, and you are worthy of love. Though we will not be able to erase this part of our story, we can choose to be stronger for it and encourage others to do what we wished we had done years ago: Fight back and seek help.

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