Letter to my toddler daughter: Why I feel like a failure as a mother

I fail every moment as your mom! I fight my demons, I lose, and I take it out on you. I forget you are just two years old. Just 2! I expect too much…too much.

I fail to see the dancing light in your eyes, so full of the joy of life. I fail to notice the unadulterated love which compels you to hug me even after I have been harsh and unkind.

You forgive me in a minute for forgetting that you are the most precious part of my entire life, that you give meaning to my entire existence. I wish I could forgive myself as easily as you forgive me.

Yet another instance when you chose to be a bit difficult, you chose to test Mama. Yet another time I lost my cool as your mom, my anger getting the better of me! I forgot you have emotions, too, some of which you do not even have the words to express yet. I am sorry, my love!

I feel worse now that you have fallen asleep, your tiny fingers wrapped around the corner of my skirt. You will not know that your mom is silently watching you and crying, lost in deep remorse.

I know there is no perfect mother, or maybe there is. All I know is that I love you with all I have. When you smile at me, life seems beautiful. When I see you at play, being ‘mommy’ to your dolls, my heart swells with pride! I make a promise to you now that every day I will continue to be there for you. I might still be harsh in disciplining you at times, but the next moment I will laugh with you, play with you, or colour a picture together. And every time I fail as your mom, I promise to try even harder.

So, I will no longer worry about being a good mother. I leave it to you to decide and tell me, when you are a young lady. For now, I will be content to be your ‘mommy with flaws’. I will play with you, learn with you, make mistakes, fall down, get up and try harder. We will cry together but we will still laugh, love, and make it up as we go along, together.