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“Do I tell my dad? Do I run away? What if I get beaten up?” – Teen Mum On Finding Out She Was Pregnant

Teen pregnancy
Family LifePost Category - Family LifeFamily LifePregnancyPost Category - PregnancyPregnancy

At the age of 19, Syah had an unplanned pregnancy. Facing a strict family, work, and a then-boyfriend who didn’t want to be involved, Syah shares her story of how she navigated motherhood and social stigma and found support in unexpected ways.

Syah was only 19 years old when she discovered she was pregnant. The father was her then-boyfriend, and when he found out about it, he did not want to be involved–not even with Syah. At that time, Syah had withdrawn from the Institute of Technical Education (ITE) and was working. Against all odds, she decided to keep her child.

Coming from a conservative family on whom she was financially dependent, Syah found herself facing a myriad of challenges and social stigma that most teenagers in Singapore would never have to face. On top of that, she was navigating work and a break-up while pregnant. Today, having overcome all these obstacles, Syah has come out stronger than ever. She has since met a wonderful man who is now her present husband, with whom she has two more children.

Syah, who sought support from Babes, an organisation which helps pregnant teens, shares her story with us. She talks about how she navigated motherhood as a teen, how her family took the news, how society can be more understanding towards teen mothers, and how the most unexpected person in her life ended up being her greatest supporter.

What was your initial reaction when you found out you were pregnant at 19?

I was in shock and was panicking. I was unsure of how I could break the news to my dad. I was at home when I did the pregnancy test on my own. I had then missed my period for three months. I was filled with so many thoughts when the test turned out positive: Do I tell my dad? Do I run away? What if my dad was not accepting of the situation, then what do I do? What if I get beaten up? In fact, there were so many ‘what-ifs’ running through my head, that it was hard to even hear myself think.

Teen pregnancy - pregnancy test
Image credit: Pexels – for Illustrative purposes only

What were your initial thoughts about how your family would react?

I was most afraid of my father and his side of the family. They are very strict and would not be accepting of the situation.

What surprised you most about your family’s reaction? Especially your parents and siblings?

The first person I told was my younger sister. She was in the room when I came out of the bathroom with my positive pregnancy test. She echoed my shock and yet did not quite care for my situation. So, I did not think that she would snitch on me and tell my mum that I was pregnant.

I was totally surprised when I received a call from my mum one day. She was breathing down my neck about my pregnancy. I thought that I had kept it under wraps. My mum would not let me off but kept nagging at me presuming that I was intentionally hiding my pregnancy from the family. My parents were divorced so I was definitely not expecting her call.

In fact, when I first shared the news about my pregnancy with my dad (whom we were living with), his response was very gentle and calm, though quite naggy. That actually helped to assure me. I felt that I could share more with him. Even though he was not accepting of the situation and of my decision to keep the child as I had broken up with my ex-boyfriend, my dad tried to be as supportive as possible.

There were many moments when he touched my heart. For example, when I found out that my daughter had a cleft lip, he expressed acceptance and encouraged me, saying that children are blessings from God. When I was in the delivery suite, he found a way to be let in to see me. He made sure that I was well taken care of and assured me that all would be well with the birth.

When my daughter turned 1, my father and his side of the family welcomed me and my daughter with open arms at a family gathering. All these acts of love showed me that my dad who seems stern on the outside was loving and caring on the inside and it touched me deeply.

How did your pregnancy affect your relationship with family and friends?

During my pregnancy, I could not attend family events as I was uncomfortable and did not know how they would look at me and respond. With my friends, I felt distanced. Only a handful continued to ask me out, especially after the birth of my daughter.

What were some of the biggest challenges you faced as a teen mum?

Financial challenges are very real. I could not work during my pregnancy and post-pregnancy. Who could I turn to for support for daily needs and essentials? That was when I went to seek help at the Family Service Centre (FSC) which then referred me to Babes for support. I was initially so afraid to even approach FSC for help as I was concerned that I was under the legal age of sexual consent.

Teen pregnancy - ultrasound scans
Image credit: Pexels – for illustrative purposes only.

Did your upbringing and values influence your decisions during this time? How so?

When I look hard at my own extended family, I do observe that we have various family members on my father’s and mother’s side who had children out of wedlock. When I think of my own situation, it was only natural for me to consider parenthood as challenging, especially as a teen and being financially dependent on my family.

How did your parents’ support affect your journey through your pregnancy and motherhood?

What was surprising to me was that my dad was the supportive one, for my child and me during my pregnancy. Even though he could not provide for me financially, he provided a roof over my head while I was pregnant and supported me emotionally and mentally. Currently, having moved on and in a healthy marriage with three children in tow, my mum has come into the picture and is providing me with emotional support.

What are some things you wish you did differently?

After giving birth, I would have put my daughter in infant care earlier and I would have gone out to work so that I could support myself financially. I was not aware of the various support and subsidies available then, and that would be the decision I would have made.

How did becoming a mother at a young age change your perspective on life and responsibility?

I feel like I have to consider the needs of my kids beyond myself. I feel like I have to be responsible. There’s no more time to play even as a mother. There’s no hanging out with friends or partying.

What are some of the most significant things you feel you lost as a result of becoming a mum as a teen?

A lot! I could not go back to school. I could not do many things that I liked and I couldn’t be like my single friends who worked hard and saved up to travel. I could not watch movies with a baby. In some sense, I lost quite a bit of freedom as an individual.

I also lost my teenage body. The weight gain is something I feel deeply about. There are a lot of sacrifices. That said, when I think of my children, I would still say, “It’s ok. I’m a happy mummy.”

On the flip side, what do you feel you gained from this experience?

I feel like motherhood comes naturally to me and with that comes a natural self-acceptance and confidence. I used to be quieter. Now, I am more sociable and street-smart.

Teen pregnancy - baby feet
Image credit: Unsplash – for illustrative purposes only.

What did you learn about yourself during this journey?

“Oh my goodness! I can’t believe it! I’ve come so far!!!” It’s been six years since I had my first child at 19. Throughout this journey, I have learnt that I have quite a high level of patience. I have also discovered that as I give my best to my children, I am healing my inner child.

How do you think society views teen mothers, and how has that impacted you?
I feel that our society in Singapore looks down on teen mothers, especially those younger in age. The rhetoric of rejection and judgement that as teen mothers, we do not have a future, still holds true today.

How does it impact me? I was afraid to be in the public eye when I was a pregnant teen. I was ashamed of myself and afraid of being judged.

If you could advocate for changes in how society supports teen mothers, what would you focus on?
Teen mothers are humans with feelings. I feel that society should look at the bigger picture. Don’t judge when you don’t know the full story. There are many what-ifs and maybes in the story behind teen pregnancy. Teen mothers are individuals too and deserve the dignity of humanity.

If you are a teen mum reading this or know someone who is one, know that you are not alone in your struggles. Organisations like Babes offer emotional support, information and resources, empowering them to make responsible decisions on their pregnancy. If you need help, you can call their 24-hour helpline at (+65) 6206 6641 or text them on WhatsApp at (+65) 8111 3535.

Read more: Counselling Services In Singapore

Lead image from Unsplash - for illustrative purposes only.

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