“My Helper & Daughter Would Say ‘I Love You’ To Each Other In Burmese”

“When I broke the news to my daughter that our helper was leaving, she was silent and stared off into space, refusing to look at me or let me touch her. My little 4-year-old couldn’t process that her ‘best friend’ Aunty Min would likely never return.”

“Mama,” my 4-year-old daughter Lana called me, as she came into my room. “Aunty Min is crying,” she said about my helper, Min.

A million thoughts ran through my head: Was it heartbreak? Did something happen to a family member? Could she be … pregnant? It’s okay, I thought. We’ve gotten through her appendicitis, getting cheated on by her boyfriend, losing her grandmother, and more in the past. We surely can get through this, right?

“Ma’am,” Min approached me, trembling, when I came out of the room. She reached out and held my hand, and my heart dropped. I held my breath. “Ma’am. I’m so sorry, Ma’am. I need to go back to Myanmar … for my family,” she said, tears streaming down her face. I said, “It’s okay, Min…” “Ma’am, you and Sir have been so good to me, I’m so sorry,” she broke down sobbing and pulled me into a hug.

I knew at that moment there was little chance we could convince her to stay. My helper of three years was really leaving, even though she was happy with us. And although it had only been a relatively short time, Min was part of our family and shared a special bond with my daughter Lana. Here’s our story with our unexpected angel, who saved our family from falling apart when we were at our most vulnerable.

Read more: All About Helper Appreciation In Singapore

We initially didn’t want a helper

Min was the first and only helper we interviewed. We had zero experience with having a helper in Singapore, but we were desperate at that time. Min spoke little to no English, but we ended up hiring her off “good vibes”.

We had initially been reluctant to hire a helper. Plenty of people around me seemed to be able to do without (with multiple kids, mind you!), and we didn’t feel comfortable with having a “stranger” living in our home. I was also nervous about how Lana would adapt, seeing that she was extremely clingy with me. But with my husband’s airline pilot roster and my severe lack of a “village” in Singapore, we were struggling to hold everything together.

Lana was a very spritely 1.5-year-old, and I was working full-time. Yes, we sent her to a childcare centre during the day, but on the days she fell sick and stayed home, it was impossible for me to get any work or chores done. With my husband often away–or recuperating from flights–my life was 24/7 childcare, work and chores. My social life and my me-time became nonexistent.

I won’t go into the details, but the complete loss of identity and stress of managing everything on my own eventually began to eat away at my mental health. Not to mention, spiralling into petty arguments with my husband. After nights of breaking down and many, many talks about how we were going to improve our situation, we finally gave in and started looking for a helper to take some of the load off my shoulders.

Read more: ‘There’s a protective mama bear part of me who just wants her kids to herself.’

How my helper became my “co-parent”

Min naturally seemed nervous when she arrived. I showed her around the house, gave her a rundown of her duties, and showed her what needed to be done. She pretty much got to work right away.

Then, in the evening when Lana came home from childcare, Min’s eyes lit up. Lana was often shy around strangers, but Min approached her and started playing with her, singing nursery rhymes and letting Lana show her her toys. Lana warmed up quickly.

It turned out we were going to be okay.

Lana and Min bonded and got along like a house on fire. Eventually, Min was able to step in when I needed help with mealtimes, bath time and bedtime. After over a year and a half of never having gone out without Lana or spending all my free time cleaning, I was able to regain some freedom. I was able to meet friends for dinner, go on date nights with my husband, or simply have an extra pair of hands to mind Lana when I was tied up or overwhelmed.

Min was always delighted to spend time with Lana, treating her as if she were her own. In fact, she was rather overprotective of Lana, always keeping a close eye on her safety when she was playing or climbing around. There were times I even felt a little envious of their relationship–Lana often preferred for Min to carry her, feed her, bathe her and play with her. They had their own inside jokes and conversations filled with huge laughter. Some may say I didn’t set boundaries, but Min and Lana would say “I love you” to each other in Burmese. She even taught Lana how to count and say other basic phrases in Burmese.

I quickly brushed that feeling of envy off, as I knew I’d always be Lana’s Mummy and that I was extremely lucky to have a helper who genuinely cared for my child. With Min now sharing my parenting load, it very much felt like she was my co-parent.

Of course, Min and I still had that employee-employer boundary, but we cared for each other. Whenever I was sick, Min would make sure to ask if I needed anything and then spring into action to mind Lana so I could rest. Likewise, we always ensured that Min knew she had us for support: we talked through her heartbreak, family problems and more. We always got each other gifts during special occasions and included her in all of our family celebrations, and she would bring back her favourite Burmese desserts for us when she went back to visit her family.

My husband and I would also often chat with her about her life and her family back home. Min is not married and has no kids, and is extremely close with her mum and siblings. She had even set up a small business back home to support her siblings and niece. It was obvious that Min was the rock of her family and that everything she does is for them.

Saying goodbye to our unexpected angel

Min was delighted to renew her contract after two years, and we always hoped that she would stay with us long-term. But that wasn’t in the cards for us. Min’s family was experiencing some hardships back in Myanmar, and they needed her to be with them. We knew that she wouldn’t be able to continue working in Singapore with such a weight on her shoulders. Family always comes first, we say, and so we supported her decision to leave.

I didn’t expect myself to feel so devastated when the reality of her leaving hit me.

When I broke the news to Lana that Min was leaving, Lana was silent and stared off into space, refusing to look at me or let me touch her. My little 4-year-old couldn’t process that her “best friend” would likely never return. I explained to Lana that her Aunty Min had to go home to her family, and that we’ll always be thankful for having had her around these past three years. Lana then went to Min’s room to give her a hug, before breaking down and crying inconsolably. “We still have time,” I told Lana, “Let’s just enjoy the last couple of months we have with Aunty Min, okay?”

Lana cried herself to sleep in my arms that night. The next day, she seemed to be back to normal, and so we carried on with our lives, periodically reminding Lana that her Aunty Min was leaving soon and that we’d have a new Aunty around. Lana seems to have accepted that Min is leaving, and we’re prepared for an adjustment period once our new helper arrives.

Min is leaving in a few days’ time, and there’s an obvious skip in her step. There’s also a heaviness in her–she’s happy that she will finally get to be with her family, but she’s also dreading the day she has to part ways with Lana. Due to the current situation in Myanmar, as well as Min’s family situation, it is unlikely that Min will ever return to work in Singapore.

As for my husband and me, we will always appreciate how Min became such an unexpected but amazing part of our little family. I don’t know if she realises just how much she did for us, but I made sure to let her know how grateful we were. We will always appreciate how, back in Myanmar, there’ll be a hardworking 30-year-old Min who has a heart of pure gold, is exceptionally resourceful and smart, who always puts others before herself, and who helped us get through one of our most vulnerable times.

Read more: How To Help Your Child Say Goodbye To Your Helper