Unsolicited Parenting Advice: 5 Things I Wish People Hadn’t Said

“There’s a fine line between offering guidance and projecting your own anxieties onto us new parents.” One mum shares all the things she wishes people had been kind enough not to say, and a reminder to new mums that you’re doing just fine.

Becoming a parent is like nothing else I’ve ever done. Feeling ready just doesn’t exist, no matter how many parenting books or podcasts I listened to. There’s no manual or step-by-step guide to follow, no one-size-fits-all solution to the thousands of questions and uncertainties that come with entering motherhood. Trust me I googled it! But what surprised me the most wasn’t the sleepless nights (those were not easy!), or thousands of diaper changes, it was the constant unsolicited advice and judgement from other mothers before, after and during the pregnancy.

I have no doubt that most of it comes from a good place, people just wanting to manage your expectations and warn you of the challenges, but honestly most of the time it just adds another layer of worry and concern for things I’d never even considered. I get it, it’s only natural that you want to share what’s worked for you and your family with your new mum friends. But, there’s a fine line between offering support and guidance, and projecting your own anxieties and insecurities onto us new parents.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s been subject to the, “Just wait until month three, then you’ll see what sleep regression is really like,” or “She’s okay now, but brace yourself after the vaccines tonight.” We’re all in this crazy ride called parenthood together, so here are a few things I wish people had been kind enough to not say, and a reminder to new mums that you’re doing just fine.

“You’re breastfeeding right?”

“You’re breastfeeding right? It’s really the only way.” – First of all thanks for asking. Personally, I found there was so much pressure on the ‘right’ way to feed your baby. It’s a topic that polarises friend groups and it seems as though everyone has an opinion on what you should be doing. I knew it was a touchy subject but had no idea of the extent until I got pregnant. Let’s stop assuming what’s right for one mum is right for all of us, and give mums the space to do what makes you and your baby happy, there is no right or wrong way.

“You’ll never sleep again.”

“You’ll never sleep again.” – News flash, you will sleep again… eventually! It was the thing that scared me the most about becoming a parent – sleep deprivation, it was all anyone ever spoke about when I announced I was pregnant. It’s not easy, I’m not going to sugarcoat it, the middle of the night wake-ups quite frankly suck, and my husband did most of them so I can’t complain. But we did see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I can assure you we did sleep again! Trust the process, you’ve got this.

Read more: Sleep Help for Parents

“You look tired.”

“You look tired.” – Being a new mum is exhausting, I know it and I feel it. So this one I could definitely do without hearing. Instead of pointing out how tired I look, I’d love a cup of coffee or a facial please. A little kindness goes a long way.

“It’s fine now but just wait until….”

“It’s fine now but just wait until….” or “Have you tried [insert unsolicited advice]?” – People can’t resist giving you a heads up about the next hurdle in parenting. It’s like everyone suddenly becomes an expert on parenting as soon as you have a baby. Really, we’re all just trying to figure this out as we go along, winging it is how I feel most of the time. Motherhood is so different for everyone, so I’ve learnt to trust my instincts and do what feels right for me and my little one. Let’s just take it one day at a time and deal with whatever comes our way when it does. No need to stress about the future just yet!

“Say goodbye to travelling”

“Say goodbye to travelling” – ok my bank balance really did appreciate hearing this, and before my little girl arrived I’d made peace with the fact that it was unlikely we’d maintain our pre-baby travel lifestyle. But what I learned is you don’t have to give up travelling if it’s what you love. We don’t travel light anymore, that’s for sure, small humans require a lot of gear, and it takes a little more preparation, but it’s totally doable. We took our first trip with our little girl at 2 months old to Thailand, and it wasn’t at all as scary or off-limits as I thought it would be. We did get a lot of “Oh you’re brave” and sarcastic “Good luck!” but we did it and it was not nearly as dramatic as everyone made it out to be. She’s now 5 months old and travelled 5 times, so don’t believe everything you hear.

Read more: Best Hotel Kids’ Clubs in Asia

To all the new mamas out there who might be feeling a bit frazzled or need a few words of encouragement right now, just know that you’re absolutely crushing it and your best is enough! And to all the seasoned mum pros, we appreciate your pearls of wisdom, but maybe let us figure some things out on our own first, okay? Like we often tell our kids, sometimes the best lessons come from making a few mistakes along the way!