“I knew that something was wrong when it seemed like joy had been sucked out of her.”

Do you know someone who is struggling with motherhood? Here’s how I realised my sister was going through postpartum depression and how I supported her through it.

I struggled with postpartum depression when I transitioned from one to two kids. A couple of years after finally feeling a little more like myself again, my sister announced in shock that she was expecting her first child. Throughout her pregnancy, she experienced a rollercoaster of emotions ranging from great joy and anticipation to fear and anxiety.

In February 2024, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl who has since brought such life and joy to our family. Little did we know that my sister would soon enter one of the darkest seasons of her life. Sleep-deprived and still new to marriage, she spiralled into postpartum depression which manifested in suicidal thoughts, rage and a desire to flee from her family.

While it’s normal for mothers with newborns to struggle in the early months postpartum, it is crucial for family members and friends to spot signs of postpartum depression before it’s too late. Because mums are often so focused on caring for their newborn, it is the responsibility of friends and family to take care of her.

Read more: More Than Just Baby Blues: Postpartum Depression Resources in SG

How to spot signs of postpartum depression in a loved one

Though my sister has always been the type of person to wear her heart on her sleeve, I knew that something was wrong when it seemed like joy had been sucked out of her. She often expressed her frustration and struggle to calm her baby–and was sometimes even tempted to yell at her. She believed she was a terrible mother for having these thoughts and often thought that the best solution was for her to leave.

I knew it was real when she shared that she had Googled ways to die and wrote goodbye letters to members of our family. Her husband frequently called me, begging me to do something to help. I went over to her apartment often, gave her a listening ear and offered words of encouragement and support. I even set up an urgent appointment with the counsellor she was connected to at the time, but she got upset and cancelled the appointment.

Despite being turned down and shut out many times, I knew I couldn’t give up on her. Having gone through postpartum depression myself, I wanted to keep a close eye on her to ensure her and her baby’s safety. After many attempts to encourage her to seek professional help, she finally went to the polyclinic to get a referral to a psychiatrist at KKH and is now on the mend, thanks to medication and counselling.

Sadly, many mums going through postpartum depression are often too ashamed to reveal their struggles and may even think that this is ‘normal’. Yes, it’s normal to be exhausted and emotional at times, but it is not normal to have thoughts of fleeing or worse, committing suicide. Hence, it is crucial for loved ones to stay close and check in on mums with newborns (mind you–she doesn’t have to be a first-time mum to struggle with postpartum depression).

While I’m grateful that she let me into her darkest thoughts and allowed me to journey with her, I often felt lost. Walking with someone who has suicidal thoughts is not easy–it takes lots of grace, patience and wisdom to discern what to say, how to say it and how to help.

In hopes of helping you support a friend or family member, here’s what helped us through this dark time.

1. Take care of yourself first.

This might sound selfish, but remember how the flight stewardess always reminds you to put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others? The same rule applies. Supporting someone who needs extra emotional support can really take a toll on your mental and emotional health. Be sure to fill your tank and take care of your needs before offering to help.

There were times when I felt incredibly drained from trying endlessly to get through to my sister. When I felt my tank was empty, I had to take time to step back and rest and recharge before I could reach out to her again. However, I ensured that someone else was looking out for her while I got a much-needed break.

2. Check in with her often and offer practical help.

Caring for a newborn is exhausting to say the least! Some mums can feel like they will be a burden to others if they ask for help, so reach out. Give her a call or send her a text to check in on how she is. If you sense that she needs a break, offer to babysit if you are able (or even before she asks). Stay with her newborn so mum can take a much-needed shower or go out for the night. Send a warm meal over, or help her get groceries. A little can go a long way.

Before my sister found a suitable helper, I offered to babysit so she could go on a date with her husband. With a newborn at home, they hardly had time to reconnect, so I offered them the space to do so without the distraction of a baby. Though it was tough for my sister to leave her newborn for the first time, she knew that taking a break would do her and husband much good. True enough, she came home refreshed and ready to care for her daughter again.

3. Take her out of the house.

No matter how gorgeous her home may be, getting outside can be a mood booster. Recent research shows that exposure to sunlight increases levels of vitamin D, which plays a crucial role in regulating mood. Whether it’s a short walk in the park or a trip to the beach, encourage her to get outdoors. Take her to green spaces or plan an afternoon at her happy place.

When I knew she was having a rough day, I went over to her place and brought her to the mall nearby to order her favourite drink. Then we went for a walk at a park nearby to get some vitamin D. I let her lead the conversation, giving her a safe space to vent or just talk about anything that was on her mind. After this walk, she felt refreshed and even decided to implement morning walks with her daughter too, which has helped her start the day on the right foot.

4. Give her a safe space to express her feelings and fears.

You won’t always know what to say, and that’s okay. What a struggling mama needs is someone who will lend a listening ear without judgement and condemnation. If there is anything you can do that only requires your time, it’s to listen. Though it was not easy watching my sister struggle and listening to the dark thoughts that invaded her mind, I knew she needed to express them. So, I sat with her often and let her express all of her darkest thoughts and feelings.

When you spend time with a struggling mama, withhold advice unless asked. Validate her feelings and ask her how you can help. Don’t be quick to change the topic or brush off her fears with a blanket statement like, “Don’t think like that! Everything will be okay.” Because to her, what she is experiencing is real and it isn’t something that will disappear overnight.

5. Encourage her to seek professional help.

As much as we can be there for our mama friends who are struggling, some mamas might need extra support from a professional. If you recognise that she exhibits symptoms of postpartum depression, encourage her to speak to a counsellor or psychiatrist. A counsellor can help her navigate any trauma and negative thought patterns that might be surfacing, while a psychiatrist can administer medication to regulate her mood, if necessary.

With that said, be cautious of how you encourage her to seek professional help because it’s a sensitive topic for some. Tread lightly, and don’t push it if she is resistant. Give her these helplines she can reach out to if she needs to talk to someone:

Crisis Helpline (24/7)

• Samaritans of Singapore: 1800 221 4444
• Institute of Mental Health Helpline: 6389 2222
• Brahm Centre Assistline: Weekdays (9am – 6pm): 6655 0000, After hours: 8823 0000 (WhatsApp available)
• Chat Hub at *Scape 6493 6500 or email [email protected]

Read more: Where To Go For Counselling in Singapore

6. In an emergency, call 999.

Though I hope that no one reading this will have to resort to this step, please call 999 if you think she is in danger to herself, her baby or someone else around her. The paramedics will be able to guide you in how to help her until they arrive. When they do, they will take her to the emergency room for evaluation, where she may be administered medication and get to speak to a psychiatrist.

On the road to recovery

Though healing takes time, I’m grateful that my sister is in a better place now. She is still on medication and sees both a psychiatrist and counsellor regularly. There are still days when she struggles, but she is now equipped to recognise early warning signs and take steps to care for her mental health–whether it’s a workout at the gym or a spontaneous staycation.

Every mama experiences postpartum depression differently. However, it is good to keep an eye out for these signs of postpartum depression:

• Intense emotions that don’t improve
• Frequent sadness, crying spells and thoughts of guilt
• Loss of interest and motivation to do things of interest
• Trouble making decisions and focusing on day-to-day tasks
• Constant doubts about whether she’s a good mum
• Changes in sleep patterns and eating habits
• Loss of motivation, energy and interest in her baby
• Thoughts of harming herself or her baby

No one should have to go through motherhood alone. The kampung days are over, so let’s be more intentional about reaching out to mamas to create a community and look out for each other. If you encounter a mum who is struggling, may you have the strength, grace and wisdom to be her anchor in the storm.